The Key to Good Study Skills for Kids? Less Homework

There is a tremendous amount of controversy surrounding public education and who's responsible for today's failings kids.  Is it teachers? (the documentary Waiting for Superman faults teacher's unions).  Is it lack of funds? (in California, K-12 education has been cut beyond needing a tourniquet and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight).  Is it parents? (working parents are too busy to get involved in their children's education).  Then there is the other side of the controversy.  Kids who are over-scheduled and stressed out are facing tremendous consequences of burn out as they strive to be the best, have the highest SAT scores, take the most AP courses, and get into the top colleges.  The documentary Race To Nowhere addresses this citing homework policies that have kids working for 6 hours a day or more as contributing to the problem. The film also says that teaching to the test, and teaching kids how to take a test, is not giving them the critical thinking skills that they will need to succeed in college or life.

As a college teacher, I see this manifested in two ways.  Many of my students are unfocused, unprepared, and unmotivated.  Definitely a product of a failing education system.  On the other hand, I see students who are trying to balance more than one job and a family while trying to gain an education to advance beyond their current life and the lives their parents had.  They are tired and careless.  They can't focus.


I think about this a lot with regard to my own kids who, in second grade, while still relatively new to the public education system, are already showing a tendency toward patterns that could stick with them for the life of their education.


T1 wants to get his homework over with.  Just today, he asked me, "Why do we have to do the same thing week after week?" They do about 2 worksheets a day as well as writing spelling words 5 times each twice a week.  "It's boring," he says.  I understand the idea of repetition as a way to reinforce concepts and to practice skills, but this is the same work he's doing in class.  It's mega-repetition to the point of boredom.


T2 has the opposite opinion about the homework.  She almost always turns it into a game for herself.  Today, she pretended to be a teacher and gave a lesson on the homework to her doll.  She enjoys doing it and creates similar work for herself when she doesn't have homework.  I believe she has the intrinsic motivation that makes a life long learner. 


Homework is part of education.  Lifelong learners are constantly seeking answers to questions long after their formal education is done.  They practice homework simply because they are never done learning.  Homework and studying are how lifelong learners get to be lifelong learners.

Then again, there is research from Duke University by Harris Cooper that shows that there is no skills reinforcement with homework in elementary school.  Children basically know what they need to know from the work they're doing in class.  So why do they do homework?  They have to, right?  How else will they have the skills to study in middle school or high school?  They've got to do something, right?

Our district last year developed a homework policy that is in line with the current research on the subject.  The rule of 10 minutes per day per grade level is currently what my children are expected to do.  We're doing that, but like I said above, it seems like even this 20 minutes needs an overhaul to make it relevant to the child's life and stimulating to their critical thinking sensibility.

I think the answer is elusive.  I try to create more interesting tasks within the required homework, but that's often met with, "Mooommm, we don't have to do that!"  Is the 20 minutes a day workable for my kids?  Absolutely.  Even though I don't know exactly what the magic panacea is to the dull homework, I do know what motivates my kids and I am more than willing to modify the homework to give the kids the unstructured play that will definitely fill their brains.

What's your homework policy?  How do you inspire a love of learning in your children?

"The supermarket is NOT a playground!" and other brilliantly obvious quotes

Once upon a time, a nice mommy had to get some groceries for a Thanksgiving dinner for 10.  She set out, armed with her list, a large, empty cart, and two hangers on lovely children.  She knew that there was a bit of a risk attempting this arduous task with two children; after all, they had already spent 3 1/2 hours at work with mommy, playing video games, reading, and being basically sedentary.  She was determined, though.  "This could be fun," she thought.  They might enjoy being a part of this uniquely American holiday of togetherness.  Families come together at Thanksgiving, and what better way to celebrate that than to share in every aspect of bringing the holiday to fruition?  So what, they're only 8.  They can handle it.

So they begin in the produce section.  Quickly, the togetherness begins to deteriorate into determined shopper versus wild, giddy banshees in a battle of who can wreak the most havoc near hot house tomatoes.  (The banshees win.)  Large Granny Smith apples become cheek decorations, held closely to faces with a squeal of glee that is outrageously funny to children.  Not so much for the mommy.  "Stop that.  That noise is too loud!  Are we outside right now?"  The apples drop into the bag, destined for home and later to be chopped into a pie.  Wait, drop is not quite the right word--more like chucked into the bag.  "Stop that," the mommy hisses.  "They'll get bruised.  Can you go get me some bananas now?"  Off the mischief makers go to terrorize the bananas.

The still determined mommy finally steers the children out of the produce section only to be waylaid by the fresh, whole Dungeness crab on ice in the seafood section.  The children see immediate opportunities for puppetry.  The mommy sees salmonella.  "Don't touch that.  It's got bacteria!" 

Onward to the meat counter to get the pre-ordered turkey.  The mommy gives the order to the butcher.  The children see this break in the action as a signal to create some more mayhem.  All of a sudden, the aisle beside the ground beef and pork chops becomes a ring for a World Wrestling Federation championship.  One child has the other in a headlock.  Both topple to the ground again in loud peals of laughter that would have the world around them think this smackdown was the most fun they'd had in days.  "What are you doing?" the mortified mommy questions.  As if an answer to this question is what she really wants or even remotely believes she's going to get.  Shoppers go by and give the mommy looks of questionable emotions.  Sympathy in one face that says, "Oh yes, I feel you, sister.  That's why I'm here by myself."  Disgust in another, "Can't you keep those monkeys under control? What are you thinking allowing them to play in a supermarket the day before Thanksgiving?" 

"The supermarket is NOT a playground!" the mommy points out.  The children stare blankly back at her, pause for a second, and then burst into guffaws before trying to take each other down, karate-chop-style again.  Knowing that she's got to do something to intervene, the mommy quickly makes a small list for each of the children.  Go get this... the list says.  Well now she's done it.  The children bolt off in different directions in search of the "scavenger hunt" items.  Their frenzy in trying to get the yogurt/orange juice/aluminum foil/cider vinegar indicates to the mommy that this is not a helpful gesture.  It's become a race, and as with any race, there will be a loser.  And a sore loser is fodder for more dirty looks from passing shoppers trying desperately to get their own cranberry sauce, and it has tremendous potential for being the straw that breaks the camel's back in the fragile balance between being silly and snapping into a tantrum.  The children return with the items.  They ask for more tasks.  They want to work together this time.  The mommy is pleased.  She watches them as they go back again and again trying to find the exact right type of sea salt.

Finally, our little troupe of shoppers arrives at the check out counter.  Various tempting candies call like sirens to the children.  They are drawn to them, "Can we have one pleeeeeaaaassseeee?"  "No," says the mommy, matter-of-factly, hoping that a non-response will help the desire blow over.  The children become helpful, taking items out of the cart and onto the check stand conveyor belt.  "Wait....no....not the glass...." cautions the mommy with a hovering hand as the 3 lb. bottle of apple juice finally makes it to the hands of the checker. "Wow, Mom, we're going to go over $300!  This is a record!" one child bellows as he watches the tick, tick, tick of the register tape.  The mommy slowly swipes the credit card, trying to resist the urge to hush the child.  "We don't talk about money in public places, honey," she mutters under her breath.

"Would you like some help out?" asks the bagger.  "Oh if only you could," thinks the mommy.  "No," she says, "I think we've got it." she says.  And the children hop on to the sides of the already loaded down cart.  They make their way to the parking lot and the mommy spies another mom with kids entering the store.  "Now stay right next to me and don't get into trouble," the mommy hears the new mom say.  She passes the sympathetic look and smiles.

Twin Birthdays Take a Whole Week

Hey all, in case you didn't know, T1 and T2's 8th birthday is next Saturday.  And this means birthday parties.  That's right, I said "parties."  We used to do the twins' birthday party as one large event.  They had the same preschool friends; we invited both their classes to their parties; and, we invited many of their friends who are family friends we've had since they were babies.

I tried to talk them out of the birthday party this year.  "Don't you just want to go to Disneyland or something?" I tried to bribe.  "Seriously," they said.  "We go to Disneyland all the time.  I want to do something special."  What's more special than Disneyland?  Quality problems, I tell them.  But they're growing up, and they have completely different interests now.  I finally sucked it up and decided to give them each their own birthday party on different days.

Sunday proved to be the best day, so one party is tomorrow, and one is next week.  Now, I know that parents with two kids always have to plan two birthday parties--they just get to do it at completely different times of the year.  There could be advantages to doing them back to back.  I'm thinking whatever I screw up at the first one, I can fix at the second one.  I can serve any left over cheese from the first one at the second one.  Of course, the baking party for girls will be completely different from the Pokemon party for boys, but I'm thinking bulk paper goods.  Smart and Final, here I come.

So we're ready for the baking party.  I made 30 some odd cupcakes tonight that the girls will decorate tomorrow.  They're in the shape of an ice cream cone, so they can fashion the frosting to look like ice cream.

even upside down, those are looking pretty good

We're also going to make salt-dough ornaments and decorate those.  T2 better like this party.  'Cause, while nothing makes me happier than to see little girls with flour smudges on their faces and chocolate smears near their mouths, I'm exhausted. 

More photos tomorrow of the cupcake masterpieces.

International Multiple Birth Awareness Week

I've just discovered that November 1 to 7, 2010 is International Multiple Birth Awareness Week.  This awareness campaign is sponsored by an organization called ICOMBO (International Council of Multiple Birth Organizations).  ICOMBO's mission is to "allow individuals and multiple-birth organizations to share and develop resources, promoting and conducting projects and research regarding multiple birth development, care, and education, disseminating information and results of ICOMBO research projects and recruiting multiple-birth organizations worldwide" (icombo.org/media package).  Some of the organizations associated with the organization include the National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs (NOMOTC) and Mothers of Super Twins (MOST).

The purpose of the awareness week is to promote a newly revised document by the organization that includes a Statement of Rights and Declaration of Need for twins and higher order multiples.  There are 7 declarations of right and 10 statements of need meant to bring attention to the issues surrounding multiple births. "These statements [in the document] identify such issues as culturally sanctioned banishment and/or infanticide of twins, lack of proper prenatal care for mothers and their fetuses, a need for breastfeeding support, the importance of placing multiples together in adoptive environments, addressing the multiple bond when making classroom placement decisions, the balancing of individuality within the co-multiple relationship, and ongoing myths and practices that endanger the lives of twins and higher order multiples" (icombo.org/media package).

This document is very thorough, addressing every aspect of multiples from conception to parenting.  I just want to take a look at a couple declarations from the document and pose my self-educated (and therefore decidedly non-scientific), twin-mom take as a springboard for discussion.

Item #1 says that families of multiples (as well as all individuals) have a right to freedom from discrimination of any kind. The document mentions that in some cultures, there is superstition about the origin of multiples which can lead to the "culturally sanctioned banishment and/or infanticide" mentioned above. 

I didn't know this even existed.  I discovered that this was a practice in parts of Africa, but research as far back as 2000 indicates that this practice has diminished and twins are now revered in these cultures.  Perhaps this is similar to the judgment that families whose multiples are the result of infertility treatments have endured since the practice began.  Years ago, when my twins were babies, there was much talk among mothers of twins about how in vitro twins were not "real" twins.  I can't tell you how much backlash to these comments I read about in twins magazines.  I felt it myself even.  The blatant question, "did you use fertility treatments?" or even the more subtle, "do twins run in your family?" I received more often than not as a thinly veiled digging on the part of the ask-er as to the legitimacy of my twins.  Like having twins naturally (especially identical twins) was some kind of badge of honor, and that twins like mine, conceived with assistance, were the lucky result of a sometimes speculative practice (among unscrupulous doctors, i.e. Octomom...).  But that mentality has changed, I think, as the numbers of multiples overall are more commonly from fertility interventions than not.  (Googled statistics I found show that 1 in 38 fertility births are twins, and 1 in 90 are naturally occurring).  Still, that tone of voice when those questions are asked is harsh.


Item #2 says people in fertility situations have a right to information about the risks of multiple pregnancies and the risks associated with multiple pregnancies as a result of treatment. 

I was 39 when I got pregnant with the twins.  I was so focused on getting pregnant at all as we had tried for a long time with no pregnancies, that it didn't even occur to me that twins were a possibility.  I don't remember having any consultation as to the probability of twins.  I remember the day we had the insemination (we conceived with IUI) and the doctor said, "There are four follicles."  I didn't even wrap my head around the fact that had they all been fertilized, we would be living a much different life right now.  It wasn't until after we heard those two little heartbeats that I started researching how very different my pregnancy would be compared to my friends who were pregnant with singletons.  I was going to be the exception to the all too common bed rest and prematurity and C-section.  But, of course, I wasn't.

Item #6 is about how the bond of co-multiples is essential to their development and that keeping multiples together in foster care, adoption, custody, and education settings is a right.

T1 and T2 absolutely share a bond that is strong.  I share a similar bond to my own sister and we're not twins, so I know that this is not exclusively a twin thing, but a deep investment in the well-being of the other definitely seems to be the case among the twins that I know.  Controversy as to the placement of twins in educational settings has resulted in legislation in some states.  Some school districts have historically insisted that twins be separated to foster their individuation, but more recently, parental voices are having more of a say in this decision.  I always thought that I would separate the twins in class because they were so different, and I was right in the case of T1 who really came into his own when out of the shadow of his sister.  But now, I am so glad to have the right to decide if I should put them together in class.  As an educator, I see a huge value in collaborative learning that we could do if they were practicing the same curriculum in their homework.  I have another twin mom friend who, after a couple years of having her twins separated, decided to put them together.  It was a much easier and more comfortable environment for her very shy girl when she had the support of her much more self assured brother in the same class.  DG and I, too, are considering putting our kids in the same class for the upper grades of elementary school.  The risk, of course, is that they'll be compared by the teacher or treated as a unit, but this is a risk of any child in any class, I presume.  We'll see.  Jury's still out on this one.  And speaking of individuation,

Item #7 says that twins have a right to be treated as individuals as any human being does.

This was always a no brainer for us as T1 and T2 are extraordinarily different, and they're different genders, also an easy way to differentiate individuals.  I'm not so sure this is the case for multiples of the same gender and more so for identical twins.  It's been my experience, though, that as one gets to know people, one is more inclined to notice the nuances that create individuals.  That's certainly been the case for my kids in their comings and goings in the world, and I hope it continues.  I'd be interested to hear the take of this from parents of identical twins.

With the prevalence of multiples in society today, I suspect that the anomaly of twinship that I grew up with will be diminished as my children grow up and interact in the world.  I am happy, however, to recognize International Multiple Birth Awareness Week and practice these rights and provide for these needs for my little multiples in honor of their inclusion in a special group that is (as of now) still kind of a cool thing for them.  And, as you all know, I am extraordinarily grateful for them.

And the Camp Mom Award for Engaged Kids goes to Team Twins!

One of the best benefits of my job as a professor is having summers off (mostly--I usually have to work for 6 weeks of it) with my kids.  It means that I don't have to scramble to find some stimulating activity for them from the 3rd week in June until September 1st.  Here's where it gets complicated though.  Since I do have to work a little in the summer AND my semester begins at the wildly inconvenient time of the 3rd week in August, I do have to put the kids in some kind of part-time summer activity day camp.  This year, they did summer school and camp through the local school district and seemed to have a really good time.

Summer is almost over and the kids will be heading back to school with what I hope are sweet memories of our travels, fun days at summer day camp, and time at home with each other and me.  As a working mom, I always look forward to the time I get at home with them.  I get to be a stay-at-home mom for a sweet month.  And I always dream that this time will be filled with crafts and art projects, baking and swimming and card-playing.  Instead, I'm distracted by my own desire to read or sew or edit photos--write a blog, maybe.  It's mind boggling how I can want to be with them so badly, and when we are together for a day, I struggle with giving them my undivided attention.

Cut to 7-year-old twins being silly, ramping each other up, getting critical about who is getting what turn, and then, ultimately, trying to kill each other from the togetherness.  Quick, Mom, do something!!!! It's time to engage (like Elastigirl says to Mr. Incredible).

Enter Camp Mom.  I thought if I could replicate all the fun of camp at home and give the kiddies some purpose for the time together, we'd all have a better summer.  I came up with a schedule of activities for the whole day.  Campers had to tidy up their "cabins" (rooms), pick a team mascot (stuffed animal), and create a team song to perform during the night time "campfire."  We had a scooter race, obstacle course, scavenger hunt (otherwise know as shopping at Trader Joe's).  They created cards for their grandfather, something I had begged them to do for days, that they were finally willing to do under the guise of the "Bon Voyage Boat Craft" at Camp Mom.

At the end of Camp Mom, teams were awarded "Trophies" that they had helped design.

There were a few teachable moments during the day.  The team competitions really had them in a frenzy over fairness.  Having points awarded based on being the fastest or jumping the farthest taught them about sportsmanship (after a considerable amount of crying).  Creativity points were awarded to the most thoughtful mascot decoration or "cabin" arrangement, presenting them with a stronger sense of perseverance and attention to detail. T1 said at one point, "I was having so much fun that I forgot that I hadn't played my DS!" Really?  You mean I can get your face out of that machine by providing you with a creative endeavor that speaks to your sense of competition?  Why had I never tried this before?

More than the success of Camp Mom as far as the kids were concerned, (trophies! field trips! treats!) was the complete sense of engagement with each other.  I got what I had been looking for all summer. While I know that this wasn't rocket science, and that creative moms do stuff like this everyday, for me, it was a triumph over the anxiety that sometimes takes over when I try to figure out how I'm going to be with my kids and accomplish all the things that fulfill me at the same time.  I gave myself over completely to the nurturing of these children, without the distraction of the work that I wanted to get done, for this one day, and it felt right.

While we were at the park, me orchestrating an obstacle course race, another parent commented on what we were doing.  "That's quite a system you've got going there.  Have you been doing this all summer?"  I laughed.  "Are you kidding?" I said, "we've only been doing this for today!"  But for that one day, we were a unit--like a real camp.  We had a common goal--to have fun together--and that we did. 

Think I should put together Camp Mom for this fall?  Hmmmm.

My very own Jem and Scout

For my family, being away from home brings out the worst and the best of us.  Tempers are short when sleep gets compromised on progressively longer days as we cram in more and more.  Kids tend to bicker more in close quarters.  Like a car.  For 4 hours.

But the worst of it is brief, forgivable, compared to the best of it.  I love being together without the pressure of the laundry pile (oh, believe me, it lurks in the back of my mind waiting to multiply and pounce on me when we arrive home), never-ending tasks at work, and projects for which procrastination is part of the title--like "that bathroom painting project I keep putting off..."  I love only needing to be responsible for a couple of meals and documenting my children's joy of being outdoors away from home.

We're staying in Northern Michigan on a lake in a beautiful cabin that my father-in-law built from a tear down.  The view is spectacular.

Last night, I watched T1 and T2 gathering acorns, skimming stones, and jumping off the dock.  I had a vision of the two of them making up games and stories--summertime yarns that are the only things that occupy their minds.  I keep seeing these dirty-faced ruffians like Jem and Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird (my current summer read).  My characters, like the fictional ones, are devoted to each other.  They're outside from sun up to sun down.  They create imaginary worlds in the forest that provide a dappled backdrop for the most memorable of play.

Like Scout, when they're older, I hope they reflect fondly on this coming of age time in their lives and while they learn about the world around them, they keep some of the innocence that is captivating in a seven-year-old's summer.

Wonder of Wonders --Miracles of Miracles

Last Sunday, I met an old friend for brunch.  She recently had a baby (her second after a 19-year gap--long but good story for another day).  He's so cuddly, sticky, drooly, chunky, gotta squeeze his cheeks!  I was enthralled with this baby, and so is she.  I love how she appreciates the time she has with him, and she's over the moon about his every move.  It was like I was transported back to the days when the twins were little babies and I could not get enough of their cooing, emerging personalites.  T2 used to bounce in that vibrating bouncy seat for hours--long after she was too big for it; T1 had a perpetual third eye in the middle of his forehead when he turned 1 from crashing into the couch edge in an overzealous effort to run.  I was nostalgic for my babies and the time when discoveries were happening in every hour of the day.  I loved watching them change and grow daily.

As they've grown, I've learned that changes happen at differently at every developmental stage.  Sometimes these changes are monumental -- wiping their own bottoms! --buckling their own seat belts!  Sometimes they are colossal challenges.  And each time I think I've got this mommy thing figured out, it changes again. 

And sometimes, they surprise me with a wonderful change that I could not have seen coming even if it was a freight train heading right toward me.  Remember this I posted about 2 weeks ago?

Here's how it looked when I got home from  brunch on Sunday afternoon.

All on his own, unprompted, T1 CLEANED his own room!  He organized the items on the desk. (notice the ordered bowling pins?  My dad's league bowling trophies in chronological order) Yes, people, he even threw some things away.  My little man is growing up, and oh, how I hope this desire for neatness sticks, even if it's just every once in a while.

Not to be outdone, and because she cannot ever resist any competition, T2 cleaned her own room too.  Witness the before and after:

B

Before

After

I entered their rooms with my eyes closed when they wanted to show me what they'd done.  Proud smiles emblazoned across their faces.  This was something they did without me or my husband asking or nagging.  It was something they did not wait for us to take care of for them.  And wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, they found buried new things to play with.  And the world opened up anew, magically, just as when they, as babies, discovered they could crawl to the brightly colored toy across the room.

I'll take this magic any time they want to cast a spell my way.

On Your Mark, Get Set, Go!!!!!

Competition brings out the best and the worst in some people.  In kids, it's a little glimpse into how they're going to relate to others when they grow up.  Case in point--The All City Track Meet.  Here are the kids at the beginning of the cacophonous, frenetic, team-spirited event.

All smiles--Whoop-de-doo!  Happy as can be.  Ready to take on their events, run fast, pass batons, have fun.  Here they are at the end of the event.

After all the ribbons had been presented.  After they LOST their events.  What?  you say, but they've got ribbons.  What gives?  Yes, they were in relay races against 2 other teams.  All the relay team members got ribbons.  T2 didn't even run.  She was the alternate. 

But the individual events is where I really got to see my twins' sensibilities, and in the individual events is where the teachable moment lies. 

When T1 didn't win, he said, "Oh well, at least I got a medal for the relay. It was fun." 

"Good for you!" I said.  That's right, you did your best and you had fun.  Let's go home and have a cool drink and celebrate your maturity.

T2 cried.  Sobbed.  Said she was robbed.  The other girls cheated.  Little Miss Competitive.  She was more than a little disappointed.  And seriously unwilling to take responsibility for the outcome.  The blaming is where I thought to act.  How can I ease that feeling of pain that comes when you have an expectation that doesn't pan out?  I know that feeling.  I'm holding back tears too watching her process this sad emotion that inevitably comes as children learn about the ya-win-some-ya-lose-some lessons of the world.

"Did you do your best?" I asked. 

"Yes," she sighs, "but my back still hurts from the bruise." (Long story of a mishap with some stone steps.)

"You know what?" I ask, "you're right.  That must be still smarting you.  And not placing makes it feel worse.  For next year, we can practice.  I've got a stop watch....."

Her eyes light up.  "Right!" she says.  I can see the brain going.  "Let's run everyday.  You can time me and see if I can do it faster."

A-ha.  Will she grow and begin to see that she is the only one who can mold the outcome of her life?  Did I do the right thing?  (If you ascribe to Carol Dweck's Mindset, then yes, I guess).  For how long will hugs ease the sting of losing?

Forever, I hope.

Let's Pretend.......Words Heard from the Playdate

Having twins and working outside the home, for me, means that I very rarely schedule playdates for my kids.  Why would I?  They are the same age.  They have similar interests.  They play well together.  Playdates are complicated, what with the driving them here or there, or coordinating drop off and pick up times.  And what's more, I only really get to spend extended periods of time with my kids on the weekends, do I really want them gone for 2,3,4 hours?

The answer is it's not up to me.  I'm beginning to learn that it is better for my kids' development and their imaginations to play with other kids their age--and the same gender.

Yesterday, I scheduled playdates for both kids.  Each one had a friend over.  These were looooong playdates.  The first kid arrived at 7:45 am and the last kid left at 5 pm.  I made 17 grilled cheese sandwiches and cut 100 strawberries.  Okay, well not really, but it seemed like it.  Their imaginary play just evolved from each corner of the house.

I decided to spy, stealthily from place to place observing, like a social scientist scrutinizing subjects in contrived habitats. You wouldn't believe what I heard.

"Let's pretend we were best friends, and we're fairies."


"No, we're jazz cats, and we have to come to this island every once in a while, and people take care of us."


"Wait, we're tiger cubs and you have to tame us."


"Let's pretend we're putting on a show and I'm the only one who can do this special move."

 "Let's pretend we have to have a battle and we have to jump off this couch into those cushions to see who wins."



"And we're magic and we have to use wands to make spells."


The boys had created an elaborate game that resembled skeeball and involved what boys like best--throwing things.  They threw Mighty Beanz up the skateboard ramp and into the playhouse, assigning different points for each window or door the toy went through.  DG said the game should really be called, "Where's My Mighty Bean" because that was all they said over and over as they looked for the chucked toys.

The girls set up a spa in my bathroom.  There, all my nail polish bottles were strewn around the bathroom floor and they were painting each other's fingertips nails.  It was hard to get a word in edgewise as they cheeped like baby chicks and squealed their approval of each other's looks.  I intervened and served as manicurist for a couple of minutes.

The boys made a battlefield of the couch cushions.  The girls were a dozen different characters in a multitude of made up stories from fairies to princesses to dancing divas.

I discovered in my scientific observation that boys are different than girls.  Ha.  Who knew.  And all this time I was treating my twins as just kids.  I was encouraged by their gender-specific play.  Both kids were able to spend time imagining a world where they could just be who they wanted to be.  There was no looming school work, no scheduled activity, no birthday party, no parents' errands that needed to drag them away from the sheer joy of being a seven-year-old boy or girl.  Maybe more of these playdates are a good idea.

How to take a picture of your family

Get the family together on a bench.

Make sure everyone stays put.

Ensure everyone is looking at the camera.

Sometimes you have to change locations.  

Be sure to injure husband in the process.

Make sure your background focal point is actually in the frame.  

Make kids hold still.

Make sure EVERYONE is smiling.

There now, wasn't that easy?

 

Discipline--Part 2 or "this bird's gotta sing a different tune"

This is what I heard coming from T2's room today:

"Give it to me!  GIVE IT TO ME!!!  GIVE IT TOOOOOO MEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Each time the screech was more shrill than the previous one.  An eagle was after my young in that room.

"NO.  IT'S MINE.  DON'T TOUCH IIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!

Despite her very vocal and LOUD demands, T1 grabbed the piece of s*** toy treasure that she insisted he not touch.  Soon after this --  "MOMMMMMMM!!"

When I arrived in the room, both kids raised their voices in a kind of song of explanation that was both strangely melodic and ear splitting at the same time.  I don't know about you, but I've become very adept at discerning one voice from the other when they're both yelling at me at the same time.  I knew my job in this moment.  I needed to stop the screaming and restore the blissful play that was ensuing before the "CAW, CAW" of the mynah bird in protest. I needed to hear both of them out and decide how to fairly (oh how that word permeates the world of twins or multiple-child families) resolve the situation.

The resultant action is not important (I separated the little buggers and gave them a minute to cool off before T2 decided it was okay for him to touch it after all).  What is important is that I need to somehow teach my little dictator how to compassionately share the activity while still maintaining her sense of truth to herself.

She's a "strong-willed" child.  Her teacher says she's hugely competitive and often tells the teacher how she thinks the day should go.  I kind of like this leadership quality.  I think, and I've been told many times, that this quality is a good one for young women needing to prove themselves in life.  A strong female will lead and not be a push over when she does not believe in the course of action in her life.  Case in point:  my friend's daughter, now grown, told her junior high friends that she couldn't watch a PG-13 movie until she was 13.  That was her mother's rule, and she stuck by it, no matter what all her friends were doing.  I definitely want T2 to hold her own and call on her values when her friends say, "everyone's putting up slutty photos on MySpace; you should do it too."  Likewise, my niece, one of the most compassionate people I know, was extremely insistent about getting her way as a child.  Now 19, she's winning awards from the ACLU for her civil rights work.  There's hope for T2, me thinks.

In the meantime, I have reinstated the zero-tolerance for violence action of a time out for an infraction.  I believe this has to include the verbal lashings that T2's brother gets on a regular basis.  Maybe, over time, she'll begin to see that she can sweetly manipulate compromise and still maintain her sense of self.  I know I'll appreciate the sweet trills of the songbird over the shrieking bird of prey.

"This is more fun than TV!"

The twins had a birthday last week.  This will probably be the last year that we give them a party for ANYONE they want to invite.  Both invited their whole class.  T1 invited the Cub Scout troupe, T2 the soccer team.  We expected about 30 kids at this party.  It was absurd.  We booked an indoor playground (I know it's California and it was about 77 degrees outside, but still) for two separate parties with two separate cakes, snacks, paper goods, and goody bags (don't even get me started on the goody bags...).  We had light up Mickey Mouse ears for 50 people.

While all of this seems like a lesson in excess, it is nothing compared to the haul of gifts they got.  Gift cards, Lego sets, books, Barbies, science sets, and a marshmallow shooter (coolest toy ever. Really).  I mean, the living room looked like Christmas morning.

I marveled at how generous all of their friends were.  Way more than what their Christmas will look like this year.  And I wonder about the message associated with all these gifts.  While the kids were appreciative of what they received, I wonder if they will have a sense of entitlement at all gift-giving opportunities.  Will they expect extravagant gifts from their friends next year?  From us?  What about giving back? 

But something wonderful happened.  They began playing.  They opened Legos and built them.  They colored, they read.  T1 said, "this is more fun than watching TV!"  That's when I knew there was some redemption in it all.  If I can pay this generosity forward by raising self aware kids who want to explore their world instead of being told how to react to it, I'll be very blessed.

Discipline -- Part 1

Okay, so I am thinking about some sibling squabbles that are ending up in fists and tears. The typical scenario is this: T2 tells T1 he cannot do something, or he is bugging her, or he is generally breathing in her sacred space. She tells him to leave her alone, he persists, she gets annoyed and yells, he gets frustrated and ultimately, because of his inferiority in the verbal skills department, as well as his upper hand in the physical skills department, he hits or kicks her. Dramatic tears ensue, I come running, he blames her, "She started it!" She cries, "He hit me!" Blah, blah, blah. Neither kid is hurt, really, so I usually sympathize with the hit-ee, scold the hitter, and then move on.

It occured to me recently, then, I wonder if this is how he solves his problems when I am not there. What about on the playground? Does he hit other kids, or is this just something that he saves for his sister? What is going on when I am not around? I did a little investigating. It is hard to get information about what happens at school from the kids who are there, you know? He claims that he never hits anyone at school. I have not heard from teachers or anyone else that he is, but I am not sure.

I wonder if she is as antagonistic with other kids at school as she is with her brother. Does she turn off playmates because she so much wants to control whatever game they are playing? Again, investigation is warranted. When we meet for school conferences, I am going to be like, "yeah, yeah, I know about the reading and math; how about their playground etiquette? How are they interacting with other kids?" (This is the main goal for 1st grade anyway, right?)

I made a new rule for at home. A consequence needs to happen for hitting. We need to have a zero tolerance for solving problems with violence. But I am certainly not going to single out the hitter. I think the hit-ee definitely has a part in this. So far, since I instigated the "time-out" rule for BOTH kids if hitting happens, no hitting has happened. What do you know?

Family Vacation -- an oxymoron

I heard once someone said a vacation is something you do on a South Pacific island or a Mexican resort. When traveling with kids, you're on a trip. There is nothing remotely vacation-like about it, other than the fact that you're eating out at restaurants. When you're with kids, however, the restaurants force an inedible kid's menu on children with the same 4 deep-fried, questionable chicken items on it.

Traveling with kids to visit family is an altogether different kind of trip. When we travel to visit my family who live on the same coast, but two, long states away, it's as if we went to another world, my kids think. They love seeing their cousins, their grandparents, aunts and uncles. They relish in the sleeping in a hotel and watching TV in the morning.


They get excited that they get to sleep in and maybe even get a day off from school.



I, on the other hand, find this trip to visit my family (which we do at least twice or three times a year) to be difficult on so many levels.

First, I hate, and I really do mean hate, being so far away from my family. For reasons that are best for everyone, I live in Southern California, and they live in the Pacific Northwest. Every time we go there, I long for them more and more. To just hop over and visit, or have my brother come by and hang out while I wash my car would be dreamy. Alas, it is never to be, so I feel like I have to cram in together time. Too much togetherness does not make for the carefree, happy days of my childhood that I think I'm trying to recreate. We just end up getting on each others' nerves.

Second, my mother is in a nursing home. She has a degenerative disease that has her wheelchair bound and unable to walk. (This trip, she held T2 on her lap in the recliner. This was the first time she has held one of my children since they were born. Damn, too, if I didn't leave the camera in said hotel room in the moment that I would have wanted to capture the most.) Nursing homes and small children don't mix, people. I think you get the picture. I wish that she didn't have this disease. I wanted my kids to have a grandmother who would babysit or take them to the park or walk with them. This is not what we have, so I have to take whatever time with her I can get.

Finally, the over-stimulated, TV-laden, junk-food haven nirvana that my kids find this trip to be is exasperating for me. While trying to create all the together time mentioned above, my kids get my shortened temper, lack of consistent discipline, and annoyance. Sometimes it's hard just to keep them moving forward. They, too, find each other intolerable after 16 straight hours together. Their short fuses combined with mine are a volatile combination.

And then, after 4 days, it's over. I'm back home and wondering how soon we can go back.

I was filled with a kind of ennui today as I went back to my routine. Something about the trip, despite all of its difficulties, is exciting, a way to escape the everyday. A vacation it's not, but I'll take the trip anyway, and many more like it.

Summer Camp

I did not really like summer camp as a child. I remember I had to go to the YMCA day camp for a while, and then my mom sent my sister, brother, and I to Vacation Bible School at a Baptist Church. We were Catholic. Go figure. I guess if it's all Jesus, that's okay, right?

Anyway, the YMCA day camp felt very isolating. It was in this big, cavernous gym, with bunches of kids, none of whom I knew. We went on field trips and had contests--everything that should have made a kid thrilled. Not me. I was painfully shy and had trouble making friends. Mostly, I remember playing by myself and sticking with the counselors, who were like surrogate mommies to me, when what I really wanted was to be home with my mom, who was at work--like me now.

Fast forward to my own kids going to summer camp for the first time. I had a revelation yesterday that they are now forming their own childhood memories. These are the summers they'll remember as the "when I was a kid..." times. Oh, the responsibility of this makes me so nervous. What if they don't like camp? What if they have a bad experience that they remember forever and blame me for putting them there--for working.

I took T1 and T2 to camp for their first day on August 3. They knew 3 kids there from their previous pre-school. Long standing friends with whom they had fantastic relationships. There was even a counselor there from their pre-school. They'd be okay, I told myself. They had "people" there.

T1 has a similar personality to mine. He's sensitive, shy, and slow to warm. I projected all of my own childhood fears onto his experience. T2 will be fine, I thought. She's the social butterfly. No problems for her. I packed their lunches (special sugary treats included so they'd think fondly of me during the day. Why that works, I don't know), kissed them goodbye, and crossed my fingers for a good day. When I came to pick them up, the counselors' reports were all happy and upbeat. They had a great time! they said. T1 actually joined in the games and made friends faster and more easily than T2. T2 got into the game late in the day, but really, overall, they loved it.

You mean their lives aren't going to be the same as mine? Their childhoods will be different? As twins, their experience will always be different than mine. They will always have each other wherever they go together. I suppose that takes some of the pressure off. A week-and-a-half into camp now, and they're both loving it. And why not? Playing games, going swimming, and making new friends (friends that may last a lifetime, as other people tell me happens sometimes at camp) are infinitely more fun than hanging out with Mommy.

They're growing up.