"This is more fun than TV!"

The twins had a birthday last week.  This will probably be the last year that we give them a party for ANYONE they want to invite.  Both invited their whole class.  T1 invited the Cub Scout troupe, T2 the soccer team.  We expected about 30 kids at this party.  It was absurd.  We booked an indoor playground (I know it's California and it was about 77 degrees outside, but still) for two separate parties with two separate cakes, snacks, paper goods, and goody bags (don't even get me started on the goody bags...).  We had light up Mickey Mouse ears for 50 people.

While all of this seems like a lesson in excess, it is nothing compared to the haul of gifts they got.  Gift cards, Lego sets, books, Barbies, science sets, and a marshmallow shooter (coolest toy ever. Really).  I mean, the living room looked like Christmas morning.

I marveled at how generous all of their friends were.  Way more than what their Christmas will look like this year.  And I wonder about the message associated with all these gifts.  While the kids were appreciative of what they received, I wonder if they will have a sense of entitlement at all gift-giving opportunities.  Will they expect extravagant gifts from their friends next year?  From us?  What about giving back? 

But something wonderful happened.  They began playing.  They opened Legos and built them.  They colored, they read.  T1 said, "this is more fun than watching TV!"  That's when I knew there was some redemption in it all.  If I can pay this generosity forward by raising self aware kids who want to explore their world instead of being told how to react to it, I'll be very blessed.

Discipline -- Part 1

Okay, so I am thinking about some sibling squabbles that are ending up in fists and tears. The typical scenario is this: T2 tells T1 he cannot do something, or he is bugging her, or he is generally breathing in her sacred space. She tells him to leave her alone, he persists, she gets annoyed and yells, he gets frustrated and ultimately, because of his inferiority in the verbal skills department, as well as his upper hand in the physical skills department, he hits or kicks her. Dramatic tears ensue, I come running, he blames her, "She started it!" She cries, "He hit me!" Blah, blah, blah. Neither kid is hurt, really, so I usually sympathize with the hit-ee, scold the hitter, and then move on.

It occured to me recently, then, I wonder if this is how he solves his problems when I am not there. What about on the playground? Does he hit other kids, or is this just something that he saves for his sister? What is going on when I am not around? I did a little investigating. It is hard to get information about what happens at school from the kids who are there, you know? He claims that he never hits anyone at school. I have not heard from teachers or anyone else that he is, but I am not sure.

I wonder if she is as antagonistic with other kids at school as she is with her brother. Does she turn off playmates because she so much wants to control whatever game they are playing? Again, investigation is warranted. When we meet for school conferences, I am going to be like, "yeah, yeah, I know about the reading and math; how about their playground etiquette? How are they interacting with other kids?" (This is the main goal for 1st grade anyway, right?)

I made a new rule for at home. A consequence needs to happen for hitting. We need to have a zero tolerance for solving problems with violence. But I am certainly not going to single out the hitter. I think the hit-ee definitely has a part in this. So far, since I instigated the "time-out" rule for BOTH kids if hitting happens, no hitting has happened. What do you know?

Family Vacation -- an oxymoron

I heard once someone said a vacation is something you do on a South Pacific island or a Mexican resort. When traveling with kids, you're on a trip. There is nothing remotely vacation-like about it, other than the fact that you're eating out at restaurants. When you're with kids, however, the restaurants force an inedible kid's menu on children with the same 4 deep-fried, questionable chicken items on it.

Traveling with kids to visit family is an altogether different kind of trip. When we travel to visit my family who live on the same coast, but two, long states away, it's as if we went to another world, my kids think. They love seeing their cousins, their grandparents, aunts and uncles. They relish in the sleeping in a hotel and watching TV in the morning.


They get excited that they get to sleep in and maybe even get a day off from school.



I, on the other hand, find this trip to visit my family (which we do at least twice or three times a year) to be difficult on so many levels.

First, I hate, and I really do mean hate, being so far away from my family. For reasons that are best for everyone, I live in Southern California, and they live in the Pacific Northwest. Every time we go there, I long for them more and more. To just hop over and visit, or have my brother come by and hang out while I wash my car would be dreamy. Alas, it is never to be, so I feel like I have to cram in together time. Too much togetherness does not make for the carefree, happy days of my childhood that I think I'm trying to recreate. We just end up getting on each others' nerves.

Second, my mother is in a nursing home. She has a degenerative disease that has her wheelchair bound and unable to walk. (This trip, she held T2 on her lap in the recliner. This was the first time she has held one of my children since they were born. Damn, too, if I didn't leave the camera in said hotel room in the moment that I would have wanted to capture the most.) Nursing homes and small children don't mix, people. I think you get the picture. I wish that she didn't have this disease. I wanted my kids to have a grandmother who would babysit or take them to the park or walk with them. This is not what we have, so I have to take whatever time with her I can get.

Finally, the over-stimulated, TV-laden, junk-food haven nirvana that my kids find this trip to be is exasperating for me. While trying to create all the together time mentioned above, my kids get my shortened temper, lack of consistent discipline, and annoyance. Sometimes it's hard just to keep them moving forward. They, too, find each other intolerable after 16 straight hours together. Their short fuses combined with mine are a volatile combination.

And then, after 4 days, it's over. I'm back home and wondering how soon we can go back.

I was filled with a kind of ennui today as I went back to my routine. Something about the trip, despite all of its difficulties, is exciting, a way to escape the everyday. A vacation it's not, but I'll take the trip anyway, and many more like it.

Did someone say group hug?

We had a cool "balance-affirming" moment this week.

Last month, I had to reluctantly sign up my kids for after-school care with the local parks and rec department. I thought I could cram my full time job into the 6 hours a day that my kids are in school, but I just can't do it. I was frantically ducking out of meetings in order to drive 21 miles on the freeway (God, I hope there's no traffic) to get there in time to pick them up. The after-school care means that there's a little less pressure on me, and I feel like I can do my job without people judging my "leaving early."

This week, the kids were at the after-school program on Monday for 8 hours because the school was closed for a "pupil-free" day. Not very "working-family-friendly." My meeting lasted until 5 pm, so my husband picked the kids up at 5:30, and I ran in the door at 5:50, threw an apron over my skirt and blouse, and started cooking dinner.

In a brief moment of passing, I stopped to hug my husband. My daughter came in the room and said, "I want a hug too!" She ran at us and grasped our legs. Then T1 came in. He wanted in on it too. "Family hug!!!" we all cried. And we picked up the kids (really not very easy, now that they're almost 7) and had a good long squeeze.

This was very affirming to me. This is why I do it. I really feel so lucky to have such sweet kids, and I sincerely recognize that luck when I spend a little time away from them. If I were home with the kids all day, which I also love, I don't think I would have appreciated them as much as I did in that moment. Likewise, I don't think they would have wanted to be around me at all anymore. I shared this story with my colleague at work the next day, and he said, "It's about balance. You're showing them that work matters, and they matter too."

We're taking a family trip this weekend when we'll be together 24/7 for the next 4 days. That's a different post altogether....

And now I REALLY want to go home!

I am sitting in the airport in San Francisco waiting for the flight that is delayed 2 hours (it's a 1 hour flight, people, from San Francisco to Los Angeles!) to board so I can go home from a conference that I've been at since Wednesday (it's Sunday).

DG has done an amazing job of taking care of T1 and T2 while I've been gone. He even went and got them Halloween costumes and he did the laundry! He's been such a good Mr. Mom that the twins don't even want to talk to me when I call. And, as I look at the clock and think about how I would have been driving up to my house and seeing their adorable faces in about 30 minutes, and now I have to wait another 2 hours, I just get mad.

When I left on Wednesday, I was really looking forward to the respite time that a conference affords a working mom. Maybe you have not had the luxury of staying in a hotel room by yourself, eating room service, and watching movies. My colleagues asked me to go to dinner. Are you kidding? And give up the quiet time? No way. They have no idea how much that down time is precious. But now, I'm just anxious to get home.

The balance between working and mothering is tipping in the wrong direction right now.

Mothering first -- working second, not the other way around.

I have a goal for when I get home. Instead of worrying about the emails, the laundry, the lunches, and all, I plan on spending the week playing cards, kicking the soccer ball around the back yard, and playing hide and seek. I'm hoping to tip the scale back in the other direction.

Ahhh, they're asleep.....

I love watching my children as they sleep. They are so serene, so peaceful. I place my hand on their faces and arms and I long for the days when I held their little bodies. Their warm baby breathing, the feel of their chests rising and falling in my arms reassured me that they were alive--that I really was a mother.


Now I can no longer cradle them the way I did. Oh, but I try. Their long, bony arms and legs poke me and prod me, but as soon as it's begun, it's over. They're off to play or ride scooters, anything but be with mom.

When they were toddlers, I was sure my twins would always need me. I scooped them up when they fell; every wail, "Mommmmmeeeeeee" was always followed by me hovering with my hands outstretched and back hunched over making sure they didn't fall into anything or break anything. It was like triage. Who was in the most danger? One twin would hopefully not get hurt while I tended to the other. I yearned for a break, screamed for it. "When will this ever end?!?"

It did. Their wiggly toddler bodies that I used to prop up on both hips like saddle bags, grew up.



It occurs to me now, as I marvel at the changes in their sleeping faces, that I can't scoop them up anymore. I can't carry them, and the break I desperately wanted is bittersweet. Sometimes I crawl in bed with each one. I get close to feel their breathing, to remember that luscious, baby cuddle. It's like that book, I Love You Forever. I will hold them close as much as I can for as long as I can, all the while knowing one day too, this will end. Hug those babies, people.

I'm Dancing, and So Are They

Note to the little people who live in my house: This is it. The jig is up. Thought you had it made with the vacations and the swimming and amusement park visits, but Ha Ha, now you have to go back like everyone else!

Oh yeah, you get your new lunchboxes and fancy new supplies like a Hello Kitty pencil case and an X-Men superhero binder, but don't worry, I'm not jealous. You've got a brand new wardrobe of fall favorites from the fabulous back to school sale, but of course, it's still 100 degrees out, so Ha Ha again, just back to the grind for you. Suck it up. No long faces over here.

What's that? You're EXCITED?!? You can't wait to go back to school and start first grade? But I'm doing the victory dance; I'm thinking, "now they'll learn that life is hard and you don't get to do what you want to do all the time. Life isn't all fun and games."

Wait. I guess first grade is fun and games, pretty much. I'm thinking, "now you'll get it. " Life should be fun and games. Everyone should love what they do. Every fall I get excited about starting school again, as a teacher now instead of a student.

So I say Ha Ha, one more time, only this time we're laughing and dancing because we love it. I hope every new fall is a beginning of happiness for you. Going back to school is fun--for you and for me.