Freedom from Myself

Today's word is Freedom:

I used to feel I was responsible for my own life.
It's how we're taught from a very young age.
"You're independent; do what you want to do."
If I work hard, I can have anything--do anything.

But what I want is not a solitary wish.
It does not exist in the realm of Me with no one else.
When I strive for a wish, dream, goal,
I must trounce over the others along the way. They're in the way.

But the path of my life does include others.
I have a special one who shares my life and to whom I am
responsible
I can't make some decisions about myself without thinking of the outcome--for him.

I have two little ones whose well beings depend on
choices I make for my life.
They're watching and learning how to be themselves
from my example.

When I'm so much in my head, reeling over how well I solved this problem
or how badly I did on that issue, I'm taking away from the others in my life.
The talk in my head over what I need to do to control the others around me
so that I can be calm, needs to be squelched.

In the context of belonging to others, I have freedom.
I let go of the control over everything, including them, and I can have peace.
Nothing I say or do can make the world exactly the way I want, to suit me.
Freedom from myself means a better me.

Persuasion

Today's word is "persuasion."

I am often asking my children to change their minds about something, to convince them that their opinions (on say something like...what they want for dinner) are misguided and uninformed.  I provide them with evidence to the contrary, proving beyond a doubt, that mother really does know best.  Children need to be persuaded to:

-- brush their teeth effectively (or you'll get cavities).

-- clean up their rooms (that's how you earn screen time/allowance).

-- take a sweater (it's not cold now, but it might be later).

It's mother's prerogative to dispense with all kinds of wisdom given her wealth of experience in all things related to childhood.  If children could be convinced to listen to mother, all would be right with the world.

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I've been thinking lately about the students I have in my classes.  I should not have to give them reasons why it's important for them to do the work required for the class.  Didn't they sign up for the class?  Didn't they invest the fees and purchase the books?  And while I muse about why I shouldn't have to do this, the fact remains that I am part cheerleader, convincing my students everyday about the value inherent in working for something.  If you do the work, you'll be rewarded with pride in the outcome.  If you slack off, your success is directly related to your effort.

I can only make my pitch, and then get out of the way of their actions.  They're outcome is not a reflection of my effort; it's theirs. (This rings true for the children, too, by the way.)

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Sometimes, although not as much lately, I have to persuade myself to believe in myself.  I am extremely self-deprecating.  If you're even perused this blog a little bit, you can see that I have doubted myself at every turn.  This is the year, however, that I turn that around and start acting with integrity, standing up for what I believe in and not second guessing myself.  I'm thinking that I'm going to be hard to convince, but I'm hoping that I can give myself enough examples of how I'm doing the best I can do (see this, and this) and that what other moms, co-workers, friends, acquaintances are doing or feeling about me is none of my business.  That ought to do it--my life, my way.

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How do you use persuasion?

In a word...31 days worth

So the theme at National Blog Posting Month for March is "In a Word."  Words are the very essence of what I do--at work, when teaching, while engaging with my children, in communication with anyone.  This March, I'm going to explore the presence of these words in my life and post about how they inspire, enrage, comfort, and perplex me.

I'm convinced that I can find a plethora of words to expound upon in the coming days, but I'm not at all under the illusion that I can cover the gamut of the diction related to raising children, working, or balancing a desire for individual fulfillment with the responsibilities of running a household and educating first-time college students.  That's why I want to know what words spring to your mind that describe your day-to-day experience.

Is it HAPPY?

CHALLENGING?

BEFUDDLED?

PEACEFUL?

CHAOTIC?

INCORRIGIBLE?

I want to know--what's your word of the day?

Broadening the Focus

Soccer coach to T1:

"You played really well today; you just need to focus more."

Karate sensei to T1:

"Hey, pay attention! You've got to focus or you'll be doing push ups!"

Cub scout "robotics" club coordinator to T1:

"You're on the right track; you just need to focus."

Me to T1 every night when he goes to bed:

"You really worked hard today at soccer/karate/robotics.  You finished more than you thought you would.  You learned something new, and you tried more than you did last time.  I am proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself."

I'm working on broadening the focus.  It's not what he can't do and needs to do better, but what he is doing and progress he's making.  It's about all of him.  T1 is not defined by how well he can hone in on one thing and make it the center of his attention.  He is a many faceted human being whose attention to detail is scientific, whose sense of humor is intoxicating, and whose physical movement is whimsical.  I won't let him go to sleep thinking he is incapable of that one thing that appears so important to the grown up world but often eludes him.  And while I know he can't always focus, I can help him get there with loving reminders about what he's doing right and how he's moving in the right direction.  There's so much more to him, and I intend to make sure he knows it.

Music is Fun--If You Get to Make It

My sister and brother-in-law are musicians.  Between the two of them, they have a dozen albums, play in multiple bands, and run a recording studio.  Ever since the twins were toddlers, they've been trying to get them in the studio to record a song.  Trouble is, they really didn't want toddlers in there with all that equipment, fragile guitars and lots of other "attractive nuisances" (a real legal term, according to DG).

Now the kids are definitely old enough, at 8, to try music.  Last weekend when we were there, this is what they came up with:



I know, the song is arguably little kid like, but come on! They performed all the instruments (except for rhythm guitar and bass, masterfully recorded by Uncle D).  It was so fun watching T1 go through the song, concentrating on his bass drum, making sure that he hit it hard enough, but not too hard.  His eyes focused on my hand waving down each time he was to hit; he held his mouth in a little, intense smirk, keeping his brain in only one place.

T2 was the consummate lead singer.  When we listened to the playback, she kept saying, "I just want to make sure it sounds perfect."  They did 2 live takes and a couple of over-dubs to put in the lead guitar, snare drum, and background vocals.  What an amazing, creative experience for them.

My brother-in-law is thinking of offering this kind of workshop for kids in the Bay Area.  I say, heck yeah.  Get those kids in the studio.  It's not music class like piano or violin, clarinet or flute, but it's having a vision, creating the components of that vision, and watching it all come together in a finished piece in a few hours. And it's FUN. Kids should be having fun.  And they don't have to be perfect at it to create something beautiful and memorable for themselves.

The Supercharged Family Road Trip

Oh, the family road trip.  I remember it oh so fondly wearily from my own childhood.  Mom packed weeks of well-thought out games, books, stories and activities so that we wouldn't lose our minds staring out the window at miles and miles of flat land and a few scattered cows.  Despite all those little extras, things meant to stimulate and occupy a kid for hours, I hated the road trip.  I always got car sick, couldn't really read, was bored out of my mind, and eventually ended up goofing around so wildly with my siblings that Mom and Dad would end up with a one-arm-over-the-seat cry of, "If I have to come back there...." 

Well things are different now.  Welcome to the 21st Century road trip ala Grateful Twin Mom.  Here's how we do it these days.  Wired in.  That's right; you heard me.  Plugged in, dialed in, each with his or her own little screen or headphones.  Not talking to each other--not commenting on scenery--not yelling, crying, or complaining.  T1 and T2 got iPads (for their birthday/Hanukkah/Christmas for-the-rest-of-their-lives) from an extraordinarily benevolent aunt and uncle.  Whole music libraries, math games, Angry Birds (enough said), 5 movies, and 3 chapter books (including A.A. Milne's Winnie the Pooh) provide enough entertainment for weeks, let alone a few hours up I-5 in one super cool laptop device.  DG and I listen to audiobooks on iPods and occasionally, DG will blast E Street Radio on the satellite radio (loves him some Bruce Springsteen).  But when we're plugged in, it's silent in the car.

Now I know the experts feel that screen time is detrimental for kids (twins are 8 now), especially young ones, and that little brains are marred permanently by too much exposure to video images (whether educational or not).  I know that confined spaces are supposed to provide great, built-in opportunities for interacting--commiseration for the shared cramped experience and all, but somehow, this seems better to me.  No one asks me, "Are we there yet?" or "Can we stop? I'm thirsty."  A well-stocked snack bag, bottles of water, and one or two bathroom breaks and we all arrive at our destination happy, still in love with each other and excited to be where we are instead of weary from the trip.

So I ask you, are a few extra hours of screen time too high a price to pay for such satisfaction on arrival? Will there be increased melt downs because of the change in brain chemistry from too many hours with an electronic device? Are there microwaves and radiation seeping their way into my children's bloodstreams because of extra exposure?  I worry about all of this.  But part of being a parent is letting go of the fear that makes us second guess EVERYTHING and just being.  The supercharged, plugged in road trip is just another way that we are just living. 

And while I wonder how all this will affect my children as they grow, I'm guessing when they're grown and look back on the family road trip, they won't be lamenting Mom's angry voice telling them to be quiet and settle down.  That's what I'm wishing.

Okay, gotta go charge all my electronic toys. We're on the road in 2 hours....
 

There's Something About That January Freshness....

Last January, I sat down with 2 friends, and made a list of goals for 2010.  The categories on the form were:

Spiritual Unfoldment

Well Being

Loving Relationships

Abundant Expression (this means $$, I think)

Creative Expression

Other (for me, this is mostly "work", but it's also about integrity)

This list, with  insightful hopeful predictions for my behavior throughout the year, did drive the way I lived my life a little.  I felt like there was some structure to what I was supposed to be doing, and that I had a reference if I found myself, like I often do in times of extreme overwhelm or self-doubt, unfulfilled, stagnant, or anxious.  And while I did not accomplish everything on the list, I did go back and look at this list periodically throughout the year and try to move forward in each of my little goals.

Now, it's a whole fresh, new year.  I love the new beginnings of it--my willingness to start over.  January seems like the perfect time to do that.  My kids went back to school this week, and I don't need to be back on campus to teach until next Monday, so this is my week to do those projections, to finish up those tasks begun last year whose incompletion continually fill me with a pending sense of failure.  And, I'm going to think about what I can do differently this year to make my life more balanced and calm.

So, here goes:

Spiritual Unfoldment:
Last year I vowed to be less concerned about what people thought of me and more caring and useful to others is a selfless way, not just to be noticed for my accomplishments.  I do tend to have such an ego.  I think I want to have the neatest house, the most well-behaved and academically accomplished children, the most romantic relationship, and the most interesting creative endeavors, or at least my mind wants people to think I do. These are really just tricks my mind plays on me to trip me up in a real world.  They're not entirely possible or desireable.

Last year's goal was meant to make a dent in that backwards, ingrained thinking.  I am turning more to the universe, God, spiritual guiding light, whatever you want to call it, to counter the self-grandiose instincts that my mind still wants to lean toward.  This year, I want to continue that same practice.  It really does feel good.

Well Being:
Last year's goals in this category were all about eating and exercise.  I did get a pretty good handle on the eating last year, and the exercise is going pretty well too.  It's just something that I do everyday, not something I need to start again every month, year, Monday.  This is a huge relief, by the way.  I've struggled with weight and body image for years, and to have it be something that occurs in my life more effortlessly is a huge blessing.  I do have to work on everything else in my life that makes me anxious, because if I don't, my tendency is to isolate and shut down, and that means no exercise and excess food--feels yucky, and I will continue to make this a life-long goal.

Loving Relationships:
This is where I need the most work.  I have a significant goal for this year in terms of my relationships with each of my children that I wanted to work on last year, but dismally failed.  I want to spend planned, individual one-on-one time with each child during which they get my undivided attention.  There always seems to be something else that pulls me away from them--like reading (which I love and will steal away to do any time I can), writing, grading papers (and with online classes, this happens in front of the computer screen--definitely not undivided attention to kids), and all the distracting social networking with Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc.  Not to mention that they are both completely obsessed with Pokemon right now, and I really don't want to hear about how to get past this or that level on the video game.

I do definitely spend time with the kids, but it's always with them together and that means bickering over who's going to pick what activity, song on the radio, snack-food item, you name it.  Constant battle.  So this year, one-on-one time.  Check back on this one....

Also, on last year's goals list, I said that I would say one positive parenting observation to DG everyday.  I didn't do this either.  But it's still a good goal, one that I can realistically say that if I follow through on it, our family life will be infinitely better.  I know that complementing the kids on what they're doing right works wonders to get them act appropriately, whereas nagging has the complete opposite effect.  I'm learning that my nagging pattern with DG is having the exact same effect.  He deserves better.  He's a great dad, and I need to let him know.


Abundant Expression:
I think this is really a buzz phrase for bringing in more in your life.  Last year, this was about money.  Not so much bringing in more, but better managing what we've got.  Budgets are always elusive for me, but without one, or at least some semblance of knowledge of what is coming in and what is going out, I can end up buying things I don't need, thereby creating more chaos in my life.

This year, I'm organizing every cabinet, closet and drawer in the house.  This means I'll have an inventory of what we have and I won't end up buying 3 different sets of Easter hand towels because I can't find the original set I bought. This relates to bringing in more by actually getting by with less.  More then becomes, instead of material things, order, peace, and time to enjoy my surroundings instead of spinning in the clutter.

Creative Expression:
So much belongs in this category: writing, scrapbooking, knitting, sewing, photography, dancing. It's hard to fit in all of these creative hobbies, but this year, I intend to find time for them all, even if it's just a little time on each one. I think it's important to do something creative every day, and while I can't obviously do all of these things in each day, I can knit one row in the scarf for T1, and I can take pictures of the pets with different exposures to learn more about the camera. I don't need to be an expert in any of these activities, but I do want to think, at the end of the day, "I created something today," and that will be enough.

Other (called work goals above):
So really anything can go here. Work wise, I plan to slow down, focus, and cross off 3 things from my project to-do list every day. I love my job, and sometimes it can feel overwhelming.  Three things a day is doable, workable.

Other goals for 2011? Keep commitments, be kinder to others (especially my kids), practice patience.

I don't think these goals are necessarily lofty or unobtainable, and I don't even think they're the kinds of resolutions that I'll look back at next year and say, "Wow! I really didn't do any of this." These are ongoing ways of living that can enhance my day to day life and make each day have a little more purpose. And I'm ready to take on 2011 with purpose.